Mountain hike

We went hiking yesterday, but it turned into climbing at some point. I have a fear of heights, so I decided to challenge myself and got almost to the top. Not terrible, not great.

I pushed myself through a couple of rough spots where I would think to myself, "What the fuck am I doing?" Up until some point, sometime in the middle, I completely forgot about my fear of heights. But as we progressed, it got worse. And finally, my legs got soft and as we sat for a moment, I realised that's it, I'm done. The rest of the group went to the end and back, while I calmed myself down (I knew we needed to go back the same way we came).

If anyone told me this, I would congratulate them on challenging themselves. And yet, when it's about me, it feels a bit like being a loser. Or at least that's how I felt the next day. Now the impression is fading and it's not like I need to be cheered or anything. I don't control how I feel. I control how I react, and I'm not gonna beat myself over that. I found my own limits (and maybe pushed them a little), and that's not nothing. But it's also not a win over the mountain.

On a somewhat unrelated note, when I was sitting there and calming myself, a guy went down from the top and asked me in bad Spanish if I had a cigarette, but I told him I didn't smoke. He also inquired if I was alone or with friends, and if I was resting. Then he asked if I had something to eat, and I happened to have 4 sandwiches, one more than I initially calculated to need. I gave him one. Then he asked for water, which I shared too, and he was on his way, thanking me as he was walking away.

A peculiar encounter at the edge of a steep mountain, as I was still tripping from the height.

I came back tired and went to sleep, but by morning, I didn't recover. I felt I could use a day of literally doing nothing. Wandering around the house and reading a book and listening to music, this kind of stuff. But that was not an option, and I had to drive 2 hours (and then back in the evening), and so I decided to use all my available judgment to that end. Anything else, I would just agree to. It worked quite well.

In the evening of the second day after the mountain hike, I was so intellectually pumped out that any brain activity was hurting me physically. It reminded me of the first time it happened to me when I was coding for 16 hours straight. It feels very similar to sinus pain. I recovered a little on the couch, listening to Mazzy Star's "Among My Swan," but only a little. Falling asleep was just as challenging. I do not wish that to anyone.

While tossing in the bed, I realised that climbing sharp rocks on a steep wall, but not as steep as my mind would like to interpret it as, while being afraid of falling down was first and foremost intellectually straining. These couple of hours were like straight 16 hours of coding. If I ever repeat such a feat, I need to carefully plan the next day to be about nothing at all.

I challenged myself before in a zipline park, but there, you know nothing can happen to you. So it was less taxing.

Driving the next day and being that mentally tired set me into the sigma male mode. One of the rules is inflicting your pain on others. This didn't have much of a consequence because I managed to have it under control and not take it out on my family, but one thing happened.

For a while, we were driving behind a truck, which was a bit slow, which I didn't mind, but a BMW driver behind me did. So, when the truck took a turn at some point and I started achieving the maximum allowed speed, the BMW driver started taking me over. I saw him with a corner of my eye but didn't stop accelerating to let him finish the manoeuvre. I also saw 2 TIR lorries approaching. This forced the BMW driver to abandon his operation and return behind me where he stayed till he took his turn.

In hindsight, it was stupid and probably even illegal, not to mention the fact that if he was even dumber than me, he could cause an accident involving us. Sometimes, you're luckier than smart. Anyway, nothing happened, but it's another reason to plan the day after challenges better.

But it also felt good to put a BMW driver in his place. I won't lie about it.